i have decided...

...to follow Jesus. Remember that song? No turning back, no turning back. Ok, that's not what this post is about. I have decided that I'm going back to school!! I've been spending some time thinking about my future. I need a plan and goals to work toward or else I get into that constant wandering state. The non profit organization I work at is connected with a christian grad school and they have a Master of Arts in Organizational Leadership. This is what I plan to get and I get a sweet discount on tuition b/c of where I work. Holler back!

I can't believe I'm going to take the plunge again and go back to school. I just know that there is a lot more time until I'm going to be ready to settle down. There are a lot of things I want to do with my life and many places I want to go. It only seems right to continue my education in an area that I can see myself wanting to move forward in.

Ok so it's Friday and we all need something to laugh at. Check out this website - I have been reading it all day at work and cracking up. Some things may be a little crude...but definitely some funny ones.

www.textsfromlastnight.com

attraction

I'm going to take a break of being serious and write about something a little more light hearted. Tonight at the gym, I realized that I'm weird. I mean I guess we're all weird in our own ways, but this is the way that I think I am weird. Most girls find guys the hottest when they're all dressed up in a dress shirt and slacks, others find men attractive when they're playing an instrument on the stage and dripping with sweat as they sing...every girl has her fancy. Here is mine: I LOVE guys in work out clothes. I mean I absolutely find a guy the most attractive when he's relaxed and getting a good workout in some nice workout clothes. I was inspired to write this starting about a week ago when I suddenly spotted a certain guy at the gym that I found particularly attractive. Not only was he attractive, but he wore the perfect gym clothes - I must admit...my heart kind of melted.

This is key, a guy must be wearing the RIGHT kind of work out clothes. While I can totally be turned on by a guy in his gym clothes, I can also easily be turned off. Here is my version of the right kind of clothes.
Shorts: not too long and not too short, right at the knee or right above. Loose but tight enough to let me know if you have a butt (I'm not going to lie - I like a nice butt).
Shirts: I like it when a guy doesn't seem like he's trying to show off his body, it just happens naturally. No super tight shirts (gag). My favorite is a loose cutoff t shirt (combined with a strong broad chest and arms). Wife beaters are acceptable, but not attractive if it seems like you're trying to show off.
Shoes and Socks: A good tennis shoe is always key. For some reason I find dark/black shoes hot (this is def not a deal breaker, i really don't care that much)- and it is important to wear ankle socks that you can't see. I hate those awkward socks that are neither high nor low.
Hats: I LOVE backward hats! Throw one on with all the above and I might ask to have your children...not really, I would never do that. There is something boyish and masculine about the backward hat and I love it.
** Please remember to wash your gym clothes b/c no one likes to be around the smelly guy at the gym.
** Please know that not all women want men who are jacked up and huge (gross), but we do enjoy men who take care of themselves and could beat us if we arm wrestled. If we work hard to stay looking good,so should you!

I think this look appeals to me because it's so masculine. The truth is that I love when guys are GUYS. I love their scent (not dirty musty scent, but clean/cologne/OLD SPICE scent) and I love when they look and carry themselves like men. It's refreshing to me and it's quite attractive.

What do you fancy in the opposite sex? Is there a "look" that you're weirdly attracted to?

hum

My heart drops every time I get an email from my agent in NY telling me about a casting. A picture of the city, much like the picture above, flashes through my mind and I always get melancholy feelings. What should I do? I have family and friends here and a great job. I know maybe a couple of people up there and I definitely don't have a job up there. This is such a weird struggle for me.

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much

than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

hungry

Just about 45 minutes ago I was sitting in my office doing some work / eating lunch. I was enjoying some wonderful homemade vegetable beef stew my mom made yesterday. I got a call in my office and it was someone calling our 800 line. She called to say that her family ran out of money last month and she doesn't have any money left to provide food for them.

My heart dropped and as I looked at my hearty soup I realized in an instant how lucky I am. I did a little research and got some numbers for her. I called her back, gave her the info, and wished her luck. Now I'm sitting here and I can't quite tell you how I feel - I should be happy to realize how lucky I am. But I neither feel happy or sad....

A lot has been going on in my brain and life. More posts to come when I have time.

music & love

"I get carried away."

If you want to pick up an amazing album, get Absence by Paper Route. It's incredible - it's the soundtrack to my life right now. The two songs posted are the two that I have been playing on repeat. I feel like I connect to every song on the album in some way. I love the part in the song Gutter that says, "I get carried away." It describes my life and who I am in a certain sense.

"Don't you break my heart."

I don't very often talk about love. This is probably due to my loss of love in the past. I know that if I'm truly honest about love, I have to admit to people something that is hard to admit to myself...that I am still addicted to my first love. In a sense I have been in rehab the past two years and have been cut off from my supply. Without it there I am just fine - I rarely even think about it. But in about a month, I will see my addiction. I will hear his laugh and see him throw his head back in laughter, I will see him talk to people and joke around to try and cover up his awkwardness, I will watch all his actions and remember 4 years ago like it was yesterday, and I will see him look at the girl on his arm with pride and joy - because she is the one he loves. I will walk tall, carry on conversation, laugh, dance, and act like none of this bothers me. It's what I've always done best.
Will he look at me and wonder for a second if he made the right choice?
Will he regret walking away?
I used to think that my life was better without him there and it was good things ended - there were definitely negative things about our relationship. But as this meeting creeps closer I find myself thinking about love. It's been this long and I have yet to meet anyone that gets me like he did. I have yet to feel that same chemistry and connection to someone. I find myself thinking about those negative things - is it worth it to lose the love just because of the negative things?
I'm not sure how to feel about our meeting in a few weeks, but I know that I'll walk away heart broken again. I'll want to pull him aside and share what's been on my heart, to tell him about all the questions I have. Were we wrong? But I know I'll have to walk away silently b/c even though he used to be the person I told everything - he's now the person I can't tell anything.

Don't be too harsh on me everyone, this is the most raw I have ever been in a blog entry -try not to think less of me. I already feel like a big wimp.

the best week ever

It's Saturday night and I am sitting at home with my sister - this feels weird. I have been going going going all week so it's nice to take a minute to stop and rest. This week has been the best week I've had in a while. Here's a recap--- Monday after work and the gym I met up with Brit and Cait. It was so good to spend time with them and Brit had me laughing as always. Tuesday after work and the gym I went to Dave's. He cooked us an amazing dinner and then we (me, Em, Jules, and Michelle) had an amazing night of conversation about (Dave zoned out and played zombies) guys, our careers, dreams, spirituality, etc. Wednesday Nicole and I raced home from work and met up with the crew for COLDPLAY! Thursday a bunch of us went to the opening of Skybar on the rooftop of the Hilton at the beach. I don't even know where to start but it was crazy. I made it to bed around 3 and work up for work at 6:30. I made a HUGE togo cup of coffee and made it to work half and hour early Friday morning! I knew it was going to be a great day b/c I got my first pay check - holler! After doing a little shopping, I treated Dave to a dinner at Ruth's Chris (INCREDIBLE). We headed to Cogans and then to the Wave with the normal crew for some dance time. I don't know how I did it but I was a baller and stayed until the place closed at 2 AM.

Today I actually slept more than 5 hours it was glorious. Anna and I spent the afternoon at Dave's pool then had a fish fry with the family - fresh mahi mahi. YUM! Now I look like a lobster and I'm ready for bed. I'm a happy girl.

lunch

My mom called me today and asked me to go to lunch at with her and some work colleges. When I got there she was sitting with two men chatting. We all starting talking and it just so happens that these men have sons who are in bands. One is in Nashville and the other is in FL. I start talking to them about the bands b/c I love music - they both start laughing and say that both their sons bands are signed with Universal. What? Who are your sons? What bands are they in?
Dad 1: My son is the lead singer in a band called Anberlin
me: No way, get out of here.
Dad 1: Yeah, you've heard of them?
me: I have their albums and I've seen them in concert! I really like them
Dad 1: They just went on tour with some band called Nine Inch Nails...

The guy in the front is Steven Christian - Dad 1's son.


Then I talked to Dad 2 and his son is the drummer in a band called Paper Route. Dad 2 left for a few minutes then came back with his sons album and handed it to me. He had an extra one in the truck and he wanted me to have it. I've been listening to them this afternoon and I'm really digging their stuff. http://www.myspace.com/paperroute