music & love

"I get carried away."

If you want to pick up an amazing album, get Absence by Paper Route. It's incredible - it's the soundtrack to my life right now. The two songs posted are the two that I have been playing on repeat. I feel like I connect to every song on the album in some way. I love the part in the song Gutter that says, "I get carried away." It describes my life and who I am in a certain sense.

"Don't you break my heart."

I don't very often talk about love. This is probably due to my loss of love in the past. I know that if I'm truly honest about love, I have to admit to people something that is hard to admit to myself...that I am still addicted to my first love. In a sense I have been in rehab the past two years and have been cut off from my supply. Without it there I am just fine - I rarely even think about it. But in about a month, I will see my addiction. I will hear his laugh and see him throw his head back in laughter, I will see him talk to people and joke around to try and cover up his awkwardness, I will watch all his actions and remember 4 years ago like it was yesterday, and I will see him look at the girl on his arm with pride and joy - because she is the one he loves. I will walk tall, carry on conversation, laugh, dance, and act like none of this bothers me. It's what I've always done best.
Will he look at me and wonder for a second if he made the right choice?
Will he regret walking away?
I used to think that my life was better without him there and it was good things ended - there were definitely negative things about our relationship. But as this meeting creeps closer I find myself thinking about love. It's been this long and I have yet to meet anyone that gets me like he did. I have yet to feel that same chemistry and connection to someone. I find myself thinking about those negative things - is it worth it to lose the love just because of the negative things?
I'm not sure how to feel about our meeting in a few weeks, but I know that I'll walk away heart broken again. I'll want to pull him aside and share what's been on my heart, to tell him about all the questions I have. Were we wrong? But I know I'll have to walk away silently b/c even though he used to be the person I told everything - he's now the person I can't tell anything.

Don't be too harsh on me everyone, this is the most raw I have ever been in a blog entry -try not to think less of me. I already feel like a big wimp.

the best week ever

It's Saturday night and I am sitting at home with my sister - this feels weird. I have been going going going all week so it's nice to take a minute to stop and rest. This week has been the best week I've had in a while. Here's a recap--- Monday after work and the gym I met up with Brit and Cait. It was so good to spend time with them and Brit had me laughing as always. Tuesday after work and the gym I went to Dave's. He cooked us an amazing dinner and then we (me, Em, Jules, and Michelle) had an amazing night of conversation about (Dave zoned out and played zombies) guys, our careers, dreams, spirituality, etc. Wednesday Nicole and I raced home from work and met up with the crew for COLDPLAY! Thursday a bunch of us went to the opening of Skybar on the rooftop of the Hilton at the beach. I don't even know where to start but it was crazy. I made it to bed around 3 and work up for work at 6:30. I made a HUGE togo cup of coffee and made it to work half and hour early Friday morning! I knew it was going to be a great day b/c I got my first pay check - holler! After doing a little shopping, I treated Dave to a dinner at Ruth's Chris (INCREDIBLE). We headed to Cogans and then to the Wave with the normal crew for some dance time. I don't know how I did it but I was a baller and stayed until the place closed at 2 AM.

Today I actually slept more than 5 hours it was glorious. Anna and I spent the afternoon at Dave's pool then had a fish fry with the family - fresh mahi mahi. YUM! Now I look like a lobster and I'm ready for bed. I'm a happy girl.

lunch

My mom called me today and asked me to go to lunch at with her and some work colleges. When I got there she was sitting with two men chatting. We all starting talking and it just so happens that these men have sons who are in bands. One is in Nashville and the other is in FL. I start talking to them about the bands b/c I love music - they both start laughing and say that both their sons bands are signed with Universal. What? Who are your sons? What bands are they in?
Dad 1: My son is the lead singer in a band called Anberlin
me: No way, get out of here.
Dad 1: Yeah, you've heard of them?
me: I have their albums and I've seen them in concert! I really like them
Dad 1: They just went on tour with some band called Nine Inch Nails...

The guy in the front is Steven Christian - Dad 1's son.


Then I talked to Dad 2 and his son is the drummer in a band called Paper Route. Dad 2 left for a few minutes then came back with his sons album and handed it to me. He had an extra one in the truck and he wanted me to have it. I've been listening to them this afternoon and I'm really digging their stuff. http://www.myspace.com/paperroute

best show ever

Life is great. Last night was the Coldplay concert and it was by far the best concert I have ever been to. We started by parking at Julia's house and walking to the amphitheatre. We had a big group of people so we all spread out over blankets. The sun set and the stars came out - the best ambiance for a concert. We laughed, we sang, we hugged, and we danced. We frolicked and danced around the lawn as the rhythm and sound of Chris Martins voice washed over us. I felt like a hippie at Woodstock. I have a lot of new friends in my life and I have to say that they are quality people. I don't feel the need to act like someone I'm not in front of them. I'm blessed to be surrounded by such beautiful people on the inside and out. Here's a taste of the goodness...







Tonight we are heading to the opening of Sky Bar down at the beach. Em is awesome and is giving us tickets. I know I'm going to hate my life tomorrow at work when I can't keep my eyes open - but it will be worth it.

I got an email from my agent in NYC today. She wants me to come up to the city for an audition for an underwear commercial / photoshoot. I can't go b/c of the job...FAIL. I'm am totally bummed because I would L O V E to land that gig. She said it's a very prestigious client but she couldn't release the name. I'm trying not to be bummed - I'm just trusting the Lord on this one and knowing that he's got me right where I need to be. It's still hard though (ggrrrr).

On the flip side work has been great lately. I feel like I'm actually apart of the team now and that I'm contributing to things. Feels good. Today we got to see a video of what happens when we put a fabric donation to good use in Niger. It was given to a man who was a Muslim but gave his life to the Lord and was disowned from his family and family business.The man used it to make curtains, employed women who didn't have jobs, and turned it into a business. The business got bigger and bigger and now he's designing clothes for the president and all kinds of dignitaries. Amazing story - I guess I can get more satisfaction out of providing things like this rather than getting in front of a camera in my undies huh? I think so.

getting over it

So as many of you know I've been going through a little bit of a transition time spiritually. I'm not really even sure how to explain it. I have been a Christian for a very long time now - my dad is a pastor so I've been in church since shortly after birth. My walk with the Lord really started to flourish 2 years ago. God really took a hold of my life and I began to see him move and speak to me in ways I never have before. Through the progression of the past year or so I've taken on more responsibilities in church and with the Life Group I run at Shores. A slow progression of fatigue started to set in though. I felt like there was always some unattainable goal I was striving for and that people I was surrounded by in church were expecting me to fit into a certain mold of what a Christian should look like and be. This bothered me for a while but I was still getting so much good out of attending there that I just pushed the negative thoughts aside. Finally I got tired of it. I don't think that we can put God in a box and I think that God speaks differently to each person. I also feel that each person lives their faith out differently than the next - there are many different things about people's lives that make it this way. I am a little internally rebellious and I don't like being told how to live my life or not being given the freedom to be the individual I was created to be. There's a lot more to this but I'm not going to get into it now.

After much dissatisfaction, I've taken a step back from my church and sadly, God as well. I got so burnt out that I just walked away from things for a while. It's been over a month since I've even opened my Bible or taken time to just talk to God. I'm finally starting to realize that I need to get over my personal issues with the church and whoever else. It's ok to be dissatisfied with a church, to question things, to think outside of the box - but I don't need to let this process get in the way of MY personal relationship with God. I've learned a lot, grown a lot, and God has increased me so much in the past few years as a person. I don't want to be stupid and lose ground just because I'm having a rebellious moment - I know better than this.

So today, I'm asking God to soften my heart again. I've started to get cold and hardened towards God and he has done nothing but amazing things in my life. As I was driving to work I said to myself, "Amy, you need to get over it." I feel like I'm sheepishly coming back to God and saying - Sorry! I'm back now! This thought makes me smile b/c I know I serve a God of love and grace and all he is thinking is - Amy, it's good to have you back.

i should be sleeping.

I had a killer leg workout tonight. I know I'll be in pain tomorrow but I like it. I have to say that I'm loving being back in the gym. Tonight I went to grab a drink with Brit and Caitlin (two of my good girl friends). I haven't had much of an opportunity to hang with them lately. I had such a nice time with them and as I was driving home I started to think about how much of a kick ass summer I'm going to have. I am at a time in my life where I am taking advantage of every moment and life and I feel like I'm surrounded by people who feel the same way. Therefore, I will never be at a loss for companions to have a good time with. Here is a short list of things of things I'm looking forward to this summer.
- One wedding to attend this month and 2 next month
- Champagne Only Pool Party
- concerts (I'm going to see Coldplay Wed night)
- getting two more tattoos
- summer fashion/shopping (now I actually have money to do this)
- weekend trips to NYC, Philly, and maybe another trip out west
- hot yoga
- chocolate tasting at The Royal Chocolate
- New Moon, the new Harry Potter movie, and Terminator coming to theatres
- ALL of my family coming here in July
- going to VEGAS at the end of July
- surfing with Nicole

There will probably be another few posts about plans for the summer, but this is a general outline of things so far. I am just loving being around people and having a good time - what more can one ask for?

oh crap...

I have to share this because I died laughing. Scroll down and you will see a blog titled "hot". It's about this guy (named Tripp Crosby) that my friend Nicole and I follow. We look at his blog at work b/c it's hilarious and it keeps us entertained through the day. We also love that he's tall and handsome b/c we're giant women (I'm 5'10 and wear atleast 3 inch heels to work every day - so I'm a tower) and we appreciate tall men. Anyways, I posted the blog about him b/c I know a lot of my friends would find his blog funny like I do! Well today I was rereading my "hot" blog and I saw at the bottom that I have one comment. I figured it was Nicole or my sister commenting on it. So I nonchalantly open up the comment and I see:

trippcrosby said...
Flattered.

Ummm so this means he saw my blog that I posted about him being soo hot and sooo funny etc. etc.....!!! I instantly think, how in the hell did he see my blog?! But then I remembered that I just started following him on Twitter so maybe he saw my blog link on that. I didn't think he would actually look at it! Hahahaaa!! Oh crap...I am "THAT" girl. Oh I laughed hard. Am I embarassed? Maybe a little...but eh well. It's more so funny to me than anything. The only communication we've ever had and he thinks I'm the crazy girl. DERN.

I think it's so important for women to be classy. I am a layed back, fun loving, outgoing girl...but above all I try to remain classy. I say this b/c lately - I find myself having more and more moments where I end up being "that" girl. You know those socially awkward situations that happen and leave both parties walking away thinking, WTF? Well yeah, that's me lately and I don't get it. What's happening to me?! I use to be all suave and smooth but I'm losing it quickly. Now I'm just awkward. I find that I'm laughing at myself a lot more lately so I guess there are some good things that are coming from it. Ha - cheers people!

in my words...AWESHOME.

The last two weeks of my life have been a little crazy - and I'm loving it.

Starting the new job has been such a breath of fresh air. It's given me some much needed consistency to my life. I'm working longer hours than I have in the past, but the job is freeing up so much time to hang out with other people. I like being on the same schedule as everyone else. Plus I work with friends so going to work isn't even like going to work! The only thing that sucks is that I'm not sleeping for as many hours as I would like to, but whatever. The past year and a half I've been SO focused on certain goals (supporting and pursuing my modeling career, etc.) that I feel like I became rigid. It's good to be goal oriented and focused, but it's also good to know when to slow down and enjoy life. This is where I am: enjoying life. Enjoying friends, culture, music, food, conversation, art - an endless list of things. I'm fixated on new things and new experiences. If this means I go to bed late a few nights and have to drink a few extra cups of coffee at work the next day then so be it.

Angela, me, and Nicole - friends/coworkers. We're a power house at work and we have fun doing it.

Last night was so much fun. Went to dinner with some girl friends and then headed out to meet up with a bunch of people and danced the night away. So much fun. I met new people and saw a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. I'm really enjoying the crowd of people I've been around lately. A lot of new friendships are being formed in my life and I really like this.

Anyone want to sketch 2 tattoos for me? I want to get the meaning of my name (anointed and beloved) running along my sides, by my ribs and back (one word on each side). I want to get this done this summer sometime.

hot

I think I'm in love....seriously. Remember that leadership conference I talked about a few posts ago? Well this guy was at the conference serving as a co-host. He is HILARIOUS, tall, creative, beautiful...the list goes on. Well Nicole and I (she's a coworker/friend) have kinda been stalking him and we're both fighting for his love (not really, but kind of). Here is his blog....check it out.

www.trippcrosby.com

I would also like to say that I had a lovely evening tonight. I have never hung out with this guy one on one before. He asked me to go running at Seashore State Park and I was pleasantly surprised. I love doing stuff like this but no one else ever does. We went and grabbed sushi after to continue the hangout time. Great conversation, some laughs, good sushi, and being outside surrounded by the beautiful outdoors. It was a nice change of scenery.

food for the eye

Found this picture today while looking at a modeling and photography website. The photographer is 16 and I think it's amazing what she's captured here. This is the perfect picture of the message that many young women are sent and believe about themselves. They don't believe that they are worth any more than this, therefore they do not expect anything more messages like this. It breaks my heart just looking at the picture but it's reality. This must change.

This is art from one of my favorite artist Kelli Murray. Her influences are famous graffiti artists. Her favorite thing about her art is the emotion portrayed in the eyes of the characters in her sketches and paintings. Most of all, she believes it's important to relay a positive message through her art. I love this. With so many negative messages swirling around us, it's refreshing to look at these. I'm thinking about getting one of these pictures for my office!

pics from italy

More pictures from Cinque Terre!

for my only reader

On Friday we had to go to a leadership conference for work. From 9-4 we were sitting there, just listening to people talk. It was really good but it's very difficult for me to sit anywhere for that long of a time and pay attention. Out of the 9 speakers I really enjoyed 3. One of the speakers works within the sports arena and worked with Nike for years. He talked about the importance of work and play...how a relaxed environment is very conducive for creativity. He encourages people to take on the mindset of exploration that a young child has. As children we thought we could do anything. We could sit with a box and create all kinds of games to play with it for hours. He used a quote from James Michener that I really loved.

"The master in the art of living makes little distinction between his work and his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his information and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence at whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing. To him he's always doing both.”

As I'm entering the professional world, I'm very inspired to tackle this job with excellence. Not just for my sake, but for the sake of children, mothers, fathers, etc. When I am on top of my game and I'm really challenging myself to excel - people benefit from it. I have never had a job that I have been so excited about. This is very new and exciting for me. I cannot wait to tap into my creative side and use ideas and thoughts to make things happen. I like this quote a lot because it talks about how one should not be able to tell the difference from recreation and work. Not many people can say they have a job like this, but I definitely hope my turns out to be like this.

In highschool and college I never really thought of myself as someone who was very creative or innovative. I sometimes wonder why that is exactly. How did I go from a kid with a crazy imagination to a girl who thought that I wasn't capable of doing certain things? It's kind of weird to me. My family was always very musical, but my parents never really taught us or encouraged us to think outside of the box. I in no way fault them for this, it's just where they were in their own personal journey. So at 24, I feel like I'm making up for lost time. I've been playing the piano a lot more lately. I like being able to express my emotions through this. I would love to play around with some photography...to give myself the chance to learn to see the world through different eyes. My music taste has changed a lot over the last few months. I love songs with a good beat, but I find myself looking for music with more meaning. This summer is going to be a summer of traveling...I want to get out and see the world even more. If Jules moves to D.C. I will be very sad b/c she's one of my traveling partners (don't do it!!). All around, I want to experience the world around me even more. I think it's important to be in a constant state of learning. I think that we can learn something from people around us no matter who they are.


This is Cinque Terre in Italy...I dream of going there and hiking between all the five villages. They say that each village is known for something different and wonderful like the seafood, grapes to makes a particular wine, gelato, olives, etc. I love it.

future

Ever since I got back from LA I’ve wanted to write so badly. My trip out west could not have been any better. We had such a good time and I have to take a few sentences to tell David Wright how thankful I am for his friendship. You are so selfless and thoughtful, David. I am happy that we got to have such great memories together! You’re the best non gay BFF I could ever have. We had a lot of exciting times but I also spent a lot of time thinking and pondering about my life. It was crucial to get out of my bubble here at home and surround myself with different people and completely different culture.

The past month or so I’ve been going through a little bit of a dark spell. I have been experiencing anger due to spiritual exhaustion and confusion. I thought I was surrounding myself with a legitimate life, but certain experiences made me start to look at the world I created for myself in a different way. I felt cheated and jaded…like I’ve been tricked. I began to look into my life with different eyes and it was shocking what I found myself looking at. I began to question every aspect of my life and every aspect of my beliefs. I started to feel angry because I feel like I’ve sacrificed a lot of things personally for a greater good; to achieve a certain level in my life. I felt cheated when I realized the holes in that greater good. Did I do all of this for nothing? No, I don’t think so. I think that the journey that I’ve been on the past two years have been instrumental in developing the kind of woman I am now. There are still some core and moral issues that I won’t waver in but I’m in a large season of question. The interesting part of where I’m at right now is dealing with the aftermath of my so called “revelation”. I have to now sift through my previous views of life, relationships, and most of my spiritual walk and decide what is important to keep and what is important to simply let go; when it is ok to just accept things and when it’s important to dig deeper. This whole deal really had me in a tizzy for a while. I know that I’m only 24 and there is a lot about life that I will continue to learn as I get older. But for a while I felt like I really was establishing who I am as a person but this “revelation” sent me into a spin. For a bit I hated that I felt like I was already going through a life crisis. I hated that I felt like I didn’t have a clue. The refreshing thing about my trip to California was the west coast energy rubbed off on me. I took a breather, and I relaxed. I have become more comfortable in the fact that hey, I feel like a royal mess right now, but its cool dude. I may not know everything about life and I certainly don’t have all the answers…but that is the journey and the adventure.

One thing I have learned about myself in the past year is what I’m passionate about doing. I love helping people. I get so much satisfaction when I know that I have done something to help better someone’s life. When I’m around someone that is truly hurting and visibly showing signs of it…I feel it inside of my heart. It’s like my heart opens up and I am able to tap into what the other person is feeling. It sounds weird, I know, it’s hard to put into words. Injustice done to other people weighs heavy on my heart and makes me angry at times. I have been researching a lot about sex trafficking and the horrible truth of what is really going on in our world. I have watched videos about it and found myself crying when I see and read about what is being done to women and children. It ignites something inside of me and I know I cannot sit around and do nothing. ACTION. I’ve known that I have to take action but I haven’t really known where. Well this job with Operation Blessing pretty much fell into my lap a couple of weeks ago. Today was my first day on the job and I know it’s where I’m meant to be. I was a little skeptical b/c I am not a fan of Pat Robertson. Personally, I think he’s whack and what comes out of his mouth half the time is the reason why people are so turned off to Christians ( I don’t blame them sometimes). BUT I can’t let my opinions of him cloud my vision of what is really going on at Operation Blessing. In the middle of a recession, I get to have a job that pays well; I work with amazing women my age, and because of what I’m doing people all over the United States get to be receive food free of charge. ACTION. I’m going to be taking action (and getting paid for it!!). My boss is a woman that encourages us to think outside of the box and to pursue what God has put in our hearts to do. This job could take me to places I never knew I could go but always wanted to go. There have been times recently where I’ve doubted my faith and doubting why I continue to believe certain things. I hold on to my faith because how can I not? God is clearing working in my life and arranging things around. I can’t take credit for getting this job and all the wonderful things that are coming along with it. I feel like the cloud in my life is starting to lift. I still know there is a lot of growing I’m going to be doing over the next few years, but I have no expectations of what this will be specifically. I’m just going to let it happen. I have learned I can’t put God in a box…he works in different ways with everyone. Most importantly, this alleviating cloud is allowing me to take the focus off myself and put it back on other people. There is need in this world and it is up to us to do something about it.

All it takes for evil to succeed in this world is for good people to do nothing