Ever since I got back from LA I’ve wanted to write so badly. My trip out west could not have been any better. We had such a good time and I have to take a few sentences to tell David Wright how thankful I am for his friendship. You are so selfless and thoughtful, David. I am happy that we got to have such great memories together! You’re the best non gay BFF I could ever have. We had a lot of exciting times but I also spent a lot of time thinking and pondering about my life. It was crucial to get out of my bubble here at home and surround myself with different people and completely different culture.
The past month or so I’ve been going through a little bit of a dark spell. I have been experiencing anger due to spiritual exhaustion and confusion. I thought I was surrounding myself with a legitimate life, but certain experiences made me start to look at the world I created for myself in a different way. I felt cheated and jaded…like I’ve been tricked. I began to look into my life with different eyes and it was shocking what I found myself looking at. I began to question every aspect of my life and every aspect of my beliefs. I started to feel angry because I feel like I’ve sacrificed a lot of things personally for a greater good; to achieve a certain level in my life. I felt cheated when I realized the holes in that greater good. Did I do all of this for nothing? No, I don’t think so. I think that the journey that I’ve been on the past two years have been instrumental in developing the kind of woman I am now. There are still some core and moral issues that I won’t waver in but I’m in a large season of question. The interesting part of where I’m at right now is dealing with the aftermath of my so called “revelation”. I have to now sift through my previous views of life, relationships, and most of my spiritual walk and decide what is important to keep and what is important to simply let go; when it is ok to just accept things and when it’s important to dig deeper. This whole deal really had me in a tizzy for a while. I know that I’m only 24 and there is a lot about life that I will continue to learn as I get older. But for a while I felt like I really was establishing who I am as a person but this “revelation” sent me into a spin. For a bit I hated that I felt like I was already going through a life crisis. I hated that I felt like I didn’t have a clue. The refreshing thing about my trip to California was the west coast energy rubbed off on me. I took a breather, and I relaxed. I have become more comfortable in the fact that hey, I feel like a royal mess right now, but its cool dude. I may not know everything about life and I certainly don’t have all the answers…but that is the journey and the adventure.
One thing I have learned about myself in the past year is what I’m passionate about doing. I love helping people. I get so much satisfaction when I know that I have done something to help better someone’s life. When I’m around someone that is truly hurting and visibly showing signs of it…I feel it inside of my heart. It’s like my heart opens up and I am able to tap into what the other person is feeling. It sounds weird, I know, it’s hard to put into words. Injustice done to other people weighs heavy on my heart and makes me angry at times. I have been researching a lot about sex trafficking and the horrible truth of what is really going on in our world. I have watched videos about it and found myself crying when I see and read about what is being done to women and children. It ignites something inside of me and I know I cannot sit around and do nothing. ACTION. I’ve known that I have to take action but I haven’t really known where. Well this job with Operation Blessing pretty much fell into my lap a couple of weeks ago. Today was my first day on the job and I know it’s where I’m meant to be. I was a little skeptical b/c I am not a fan of Pat Robertson. Personally, I think he’s whack and what comes out of his mouth half the time is the reason why people are so turned off to Christians ( I don’t blame them sometimes). BUT I can’t let my opinions of him cloud my vision of what is really going on at Operation Blessing. In the middle of a recession, I get to have a job that pays well; I work with amazing women my age, and because of what I’m doing people all over the United States get to be receive food free of charge. ACTION. I’m going to be taking action (and getting paid for it!!). My boss is a woman that encourages us to think outside of the box and to pursue what God has put in our hearts to do. This job could take me to places I never knew I could go but always wanted to go. There have been times recently where I’ve doubted my faith and doubting why I continue to believe certain things. I hold on to my faith because how can I not? God is clearing working in my life and arranging things around. I can’t take credit for getting this job and all the wonderful things that are coming along with it. I feel like the cloud in my life is starting to lift. I still know there is a lot of growing I’m going to be doing over the next few years, but I have no expectations of what this will be specifically. I’m just going to let it happen. I have learned I can’t put God in a box…he works in different ways with everyone. Most importantly, this alleviating cloud is allowing me to take the focus off myself and put it back on other people. There is need in this world and it is up to us to do something about it.
All it takes for evil to succeed in this world is for good people to do nothing
The past month or so I’ve been going through a little bit of a dark spell. I have been experiencing anger due to spiritual exhaustion and confusion. I thought I was surrounding myself with a legitimate life, but certain experiences made me start to look at the world I created for myself in a different way. I felt cheated and jaded…like I’ve been tricked. I began to look into my life with different eyes and it was shocking what I found myself looking at. I began to question every aspect of my life and every aspect of my beliefs. I started to feel angry because I feel like I’ve sacrificed a lot of things personally for a greater good; to achieve a certain level in my life. I felt cheated when I realized the holes in that greater good. Did I do all of this for nothing? No, I don’t think so. I think that the journey that I’ve been on the past two years have been instrumental in developing the kind of woman I am now. There are still some core and moral issues that I won’t waver in but I’m in a large season of question. The interesting part of where I’m at right now is dealing with the aftermath of my so called “revelation”. I have to now sift through my previous views of life, relationships, and most of my spiritual walk and decide what is important to keep and what is important to simply let go; when it is ok to just accept things and when it’s important to dig deeper. This whole deal really had me in a tizzy for a while. I know that I’m only 24 and there is a lot about life that I will continue to learn as I get older. But for a while I felt like I really was establishing who I am as a person but this “revelation” sent me into a spin. For a bit I hated that I felt like I was already going through a life crisis. I hated that I felt like I didn’t have a clue. The refreshing thing about my trip to California was the west coast energy rubbed off on me. I took a breather, and I relaxed. I have become more comfortable in the fact that hey, I feel like a royal mess right now, but its cool dude. I may not know everything about life and I certainly don’t have all the answers…but that is the journey and the adventure.
One thing I have learned about myself in the past year is what I’m passionate about doing. I love helping people. I get so much satisfaction when I know that I have done something to help better someone’s life. When I’m around someone that is truly hurting and visibly showing signs of it…I feel it inside of my heart. It’s like my heart opens up and I am able to tap into what the other person is feeling. It sounds weird, I know, it’s hard to put into words. Injustice done to other people weighs heavy on my heart and makes me angry at times. I have been researching a lot about sex trafficking and the horrible truth of what is really going on in our world. I have watched videos about it and found myself crying when I see and read about what is being done to women and children. It ignites something inside of me and I know I cannot sit around and do nothing. ACTION. I’ve known that I have to take action but I haven’t really known where. Well this job with Operation Blessing pretty much fell into my lap a couple of weeks ago. Today was my first day on the job and I know it’s where I’m meant to be. I was a little skeptical b/c I am not a fan of Pat Robertson. Personally, I think he’s whack and what comes out of his mouth half the time is the reason why people are so turned off to Christians ( I don’t blame them sometimes). BUT I can’t let my opinions of him cloud my vision of what is really going on at Operation Blessing. In the middle of a recession, I get to have a job that pays well; I work with amazing women my age, and because of what I’m doing people all over the United States get to be receive food free of charge. ACTION. I’m going to be taking action (and getting paid for it!!). My boss is a woman that encourages us to think outside of the box and to pursue what God has put in our hearts to do. This job could take me to places I never knew I could go but always wanted to go. There have been times recently where I’ve doubted my faith and doubting why I continue to believe certain things. I hold on to my faith because how can I not? God is clearing working in my life and arranging things around. I can’t take credit for getting this job and all the wonderful things that are coming along with it. I feel like the cloud in my life is starting to lift. I still know there is a lot of growing I’m going to be doing over the next few years, but I have no expectations of what this will be specifically. I’m just going to let it happen. I have learned I can’t put God in a box…he works in different ways with everyone. Most importantly, this alleviating cloud is allowing me to take the focus off myself and put it back on other people. There is need in this world and it is up to us to do something about it.
All it takes for evil to succeed in this world is for good people to do nothing
:)
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